The weak can never forgive, forgiveness is an attribute of the strong." -Gandhi

"You can't save everyone Chalaine." The words of a former professor float around in my head,  the phrase gets lost in my memory but finds its way back up to my recognition long enough to taunt me. I know that I do not acknowledge the only reason I was put on this earth anywhere near as often as I should. God has called us to be His people, to tell of His mercy, to share of His love. We don't only fulfill the great commission by witnessing and telling people about Him, we do so by living our lives in such a way that Jesus lived His. Compassionate, selfless, humble, welcoming, forgiving. 

forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive.

would someone please tell God that I got the message? 

Sometimes I hate night time, I can never go to bed. The noises pollute the air and distract my every brain cell from falling asleep. I close my laptop, I turn the TV off, I put my ipod on my nightstand, and then the silence kicks in and starts haunting me. My brain wonders and life doesn't let me go to sleep. It's often the moments right before I go to sleep that I have the deepest most impacting conversations with God. God puts words in my head, words like...forgive. ......forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. Chalaine, I forgave you, how dare you not forgive others? Luke 6 commands us to love our enemies, to bless those who curse us, and explains that by forgiving, we ourselves will find forgiveness.  

Maybe resentment isn't what is vacating inside your soul, perhaps forgiveness is not the release that will set your buried soul free. We all have secrets, we all have something we need to let go off. Our soul is the most vital part of our entirety, blotted with bitterness and regret, love and mercy can no longer reign and we no longer are a soul serving Jesus but become a soul serving ourselves. Once we have unclogged our dirty insides from whatever may be taunting us and let God's love shine through us, we will be an unstoppable force for His kingdom.  

I now realize that it wasn't a statement, more or less a challenge.  

"You cant save everyone Chalaine." 

...Well watch me try.

a glimpse of heaven

You know when you are at a service and you realize God has perfectly placed you there? Like every word the preacher is saying was made for you to hear, as if God is speaking directly to you personally about a struggle or a certain aspect in your life that you may have needed guidance on or aid in. Or, when the preacher says something that digs down right to the core of your soul, or answers a question you've been seeking. Well tonight God did this for me through music. 

I've been reading a book about the single girl's heart, a book about pursuing God first, with nothing and no one else even at a close second. In pursuing God with reckless abandonment, everything else will fall in place based on God's perfect plan for our lives. This book, along with God's word and fervent prayer, help me find a love in God no guy can ever satisfy. A love that never ends and never fails. 

Not that I have been "looking" or "searching" for love, but with 7 weddings coming up this year (all of girlfriends of mine who are my age!) God just seems to be spitting out relationships and love stories from some dispenser I forgot to put a quarter in. I know I am only 20 but sometimes 20 can be kind of lonely and from time to time the thought does cross my mind that it would be nice to have the affection of a boyfriend and the conscious that someone cares about me and has my best interest at heart. Okay, so anyways...now that my mom has probably thrown up, let's move on... 

I found out recently about a concert of Mercy Me, Jeremy Camp and a few other bands playing a worship tour in Dallas so I invited a friend and we drove up tonight to attend. It was incredible. GOD SHOWED UP. You cannot tell me that God isn't real, because tonight I felt him, along with 20 other THOUSAND people packed and stuffed inside every available space at the American Airlines Center in Dallas (home court of the NBA's Dallas Mavericks who would be stunned to have a sold out arena filled up with their fans). I was taken back, along with every member of the bands, at the amount of people who showed up and even at the 3,000 who had to be turned away for lack of space. There wasn't a chair empty in the place, the stairs were converted to seats along with the aisles filling up where people stood throughout the entire 3 hour concert to worship their Creator. Incredible. Absolutely heart wrenching, soul moving, incredible. 

One band I've never heard of until tonight, Tenth Avenue North, sang a song they told us to imagine God singing to us. As the piano played I closed my eyes...

Why are you strivin'

these days

Why are you tryin'

to earn grace

Why are you cryin'

Let Me lift up your face

Just don't turn away.

Why are you lookin'

for love?

Why are you still searchin'

As if I'm not enough

To Where will you go child?

Tell Me where will you run?

To where will you run?

Cause I'll be by your side whenever you fall.

In the dead of night, whenever you call.

Please don't fight these hands that are holding you.

My hands are holding you.

Why are you looking for love? Why are you searching as if I'm not enough. The words replayed over and over in my head as I grasped God's voice speaking to my heart. And I sit here even now with tears streaming down my face in awe of our great God whom I serve. How astounding a Father I have to give me grace, to lift up my face from my brokenness and crying, to ask me not to turn away, but to remind me rest assured He's always by my side regardless. 

Mercy Me ended the concert starting us off in an a cappella verse of I love You Lord. Together, all 20,000 of us sang, "Take joy my king, in what You hear, may it be a sweet sweet sound in Your ear." It was beautiful. 

And even at the end, when the concert was through, God wasn't. He still wanted to touch our hearts just once more before we left that anointed place. When all the singers left the stage, the worship wasn't over because everyone leaving their seats started singing blessed be the name of the lord as we exited. As sections left their seats and left the arena, we all sang "Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name." As we continued through the concourse, "Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name." Our voices echoed down the staircase "every blessing you pour out, i'll turn back to praise," and other's into the elevators and down the escalators, "when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say.."all of us, as a whole, just singing the words together, "BLESSED be the name of Lord, Blessed be Your name!" it was definitely one of the most incredible things I've ever witnessed and especially been apart of, it was like I was in a musical, except it was real life. 

I think I witnessed a glimpse of Heaven tonight, or how it's going to be at least. 

I can't wait. 

Hope to see you there.

-C

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KUezLF11RA 

randomness & understanding.

Sometimes, I find myself awestruck at the unfathomable workings of God, where my only response is to smile, dumbfounded at the likes of my minuscule human brain compared with that of an omnipotent Savior's. These past few days, I've experienced numerous recurring instances of the realization of my Savior's ingenuity. 

Tonight, I felt this through worship. If you have never felt the power and presence of God through worship, you have missed out big time. When I am there and singing to my Jesus and the words just hit me, and I take in just exactly what I am singing and proclaiming - each word fills up my heart as I cry out. I close my eyes to stop the tears from collecting but they become too heavy, dropping down my face and clustering on my cheek and I taste the wet tears as they reach my lips. Standing and singing no matter how you may sound and not caring what anyone around you is thinking. Sniffling and choking on my words as I cry out, humbled in the presence of a perfect Savior whom owns my soul. I don't think there is any greater time when your heart is so at peace and any greater moment that you are connected to God then through times like these.

Over the last few nights, I've felt this in a different way. I have grown tired of my current devotional book and decided to just close my eyes and open my Bible to a random place, then read whichever chapters and few pages happen to fall open. And God, in His genius, decided to lead me to scriptures preparing my heart for the weekend I was spending at a faith strengthening and soul challenging conference I'm attending with my mother.

The other night I found myself reading the book of Ruth. Although I was sort of familiar with her story and her extreme loyalty to her mother in law, Naomi, I do not think I ever really grasped her extreme loyalty to God. It hit me as I was reading that her devotion to Naomi was a result of her devotion to God. Ruth made me realize the significance of  God fearing Christian friends. Friends who will be there to keep you accountable, to kick you in the butt when you need it, to question your logic, to test your weak areas, to shine some light when everything around you seems dark. Friends who will pick us up when we've fallen, to hug us when were broken, but mostly to love us when we fail. We need Christian friends to remind us that we are not alone, we are never ever alone, and that as long as we are breathing - change is attainable. It's like the interpretation of Christ's love given to us through the heart of a friend. The book of Ruth is the ideal illustration of a remarkable friendship, right up there with David and Jonathan. 

The next night I flipped open my Bible and Proverbs 31 stared back at me. As I was reading I was smiling just at the thought of how God works. I think every women should read Proverbs 31:10-31, and then strive to become the women being described in this passage. I can only pray and hope that God will make me and mold me into the "wife of noble character" defined in this passage of scripture. You can spend an entire lifetime trying with all you have to become a certain someone, but without the aid of God you will always come up short. 

One time while I was babysitting, the little boy I was watching wanted to climb up on tree in his backyard. He jumped and swung his arms trying to catch the lowest branch to begin his climb and with each jump he "ooed" and "ughed" a little more, failing to reach the branch by just mere inches. I rolled my eyes watching from a distance after being ordered he could "do it all by himself." His eyebrows lowered and his lips stuck out as he tried to get a running start and then reach the branch, resulting in him falling on his butt.  I laughed to myself as I watched him try with all his might to conquer this feat he set out for himself. After finally realizing he was not going to be able to reach it on his own, he reluctantly asked me to lift him up, and I gladly picked him up with almost no effort and he quickly started climbing and was in the tree smiling and yelling, "I AM TARZANNN, KING OF THE JUNGLE!" in no time. I think so often this is exactly how God sees us. He watches as we try and try with everything inside ourselves to get what we want or become who we want to be, laughing at us as we continuously fail, still not welcoming his offered help. Then, when we finally give in and ask God for his help, He never ignores us, even despite how many times we have to Him. God always comes through in the end, always leaving a sorry sinner satisfied.  

Last night for some reason I just found myself flipping through the pages of my Bible reading different random chapters and verses. Which reminds me...can I just say the last few pages of Bibles inspire me - haha they are so intriguing! You can look up almost any sin and it will give you a listing of pieces of scripture that talk about that specific sin! It is so cool. I couldn't even go to sleep last night because the Bible was interesting me so much and I could not make myself stop reading... anyway, I think everyone needs to read Romans 8, because it's amazing and refreshing and..... well just read it! Take 3 minutes & 9 seconds out of your day today to read that chapter, just kidding - I have no idea how long it will take you but it's not very long & I do promise it'll be worth it! 

One Love, One God & Only One Way.

-C

PS. I know this post is way different then my previous posts & the way I've shared on here in the past, but I wanted to try something new - let me know if it's acceptable! lol

Last year at this time, I sat in a tiny dorm nestled within the freezing remote Monadnock Mountains at a tiny almost unheard of, Franklin Pierce University. Everyday I would question my reasoning for choosing a school deliberately placed in the middle of no where New Hampshire. The one blinking light towns where everyone knew everyone and going to Walmart was the highlight of your day that I had only heard of in movies or passed through while vacationing was now my life, and I had to get away from it.

My faith has always been the most important part of my life, my reason for living. I am a living breathing example of a life touched by God and even though I fail him everyday, He still loves me. I cannot say I have never been afraid, but I can tell you I have never been ashamed of sharing my Jesus with the world. Having such confidence and belief in such an omnipotent God made me courageous with my strength in sharing about Him. My first challenge was with my roommates, whom quickly recognized I did not use profane language or speak crudely and would often apologize when they themselves did around me. My next challenge were my classmates, which in most cases unless debatable discussion is brought up that I disagree with, I remain pretty silent. But in one of my classes, I was able to witness through a special project my writing teacher assigned. Every student had to partner up with someone they didn't know and interview one another. I was assigned with a girl named Allie. After asking me a few questions, I began talking about my beliefs and the importance God has played in my life. She dug deeper and asked more specific questions, seeming intrigued and open to listen. I was happy to share and humbled of the way it went. The next class, my professor came to me asking if it was okay if she used Allie's paper about me as an example to the class. She noted that very personal aspects of my life were mentioned in the paper, such as choosing to stay celibate until marriage and not seeking out the party life. My class had two options, reject or accept me, the same two options the world has of my Jesus. I allowed for the reading of the paper and with every word my professor read, I thought about Him - in excruciating pain nailed upon a cross, barely breathing but still thinking about me. Who cares what my classmates think of me, I tried telling myself. At the end of the reading, I would still be breathing, at the end of class I would stand up and walk back to my dorm, my life would go on completely normal, who cares if 30 kids in my English class thought I was weird, God didn't. It was a gratifying moment to share such personal and what I feel respectable information with a class full of strangers, putting myself out there for judgment. These are how the first few weeks and couple of months of school went for me.

However, around November, I had had just about enough of it. Everything that could have been going wrong, was - and I did not know how to handle it. My school's partying reputation lead for mere disappointment to me because staying in my dorm room every night watching movies was a difficult way to make friends. On weekends, I drove the almost 2 hour drive to Massachusetts to spend with my cousins. After a huge falling out with a good friend and feeling nothing but alone, I had decided I had taken all I could in the north and pleaded with my parents to move immediately. My dad coerced me into finishing out the semester and I started planning out my transfer to anywhere but New England. After some mishaps, I had realized transferring in the middle of the year was not going to work, so I returned to Franklin Pierce with the slightest hope of a better semester.

In a Bible conference once, the speaker gave us the analogy of a person trying to bring someone else up to their standards. She stood on a chair and held the hand of a guy she tried to lift up to her level, and then spoke of how hard it was to do. The guy then tugged at her hand and she quickly fell from the chair and onto his level. She explained how easy it was for him to pull her down to where he was then for her to pick him up. This is the same way people are, we try and try to be good examples and maintain our morals, sometimes fixating ourselves on trying to lead others in the right direction. This is a very hard task to achieve I realized firsthand. Weeks into my spring semester, I realized the strong morals and person I had so challengingly demanded and expected of myself to be all my life, was weakening. Examining my life and feeling myself being pressured and persuaded I knew this school was not for me. I decided wherever I was going to school next would be Christian, first and foremost.

It's January and I am now at Baylor University, a Baptist college right smack dab in the heart of Texas. I no longer have to listen everyday to the liberal and distressing views of professors I disagree with or deal with fire alarms going off every other night from the drunk immature kids who thought it funny to pull them. I am in a place God has seen fit for me, and though my fall semester was a bit trying, I love it here. Getting back on track with God is the most rewarding and satisfying feeling. He never ceases to amaze and astound me, and on more accounts then one, leave me speechless. Never say God doesn't answer prayer, and if you're needing some reassurance He's listening, take it from me, He is. He always, always is. I know because God has answered my prayer. Some of the most important people in my life are moving from Massachusetts to the south. My 4 cousins whom I adore and treasure, my aunt who I am extremely close to, and my very best friend. I can't think of anything else I need or anything else to say but that...

God is good, all the time.

So regularly, we hide behind masks and costumes, pretending to be something or someone we’re not. We take on exhausting roles, struggling to adhere to the requirements we have set for ourselves to impress, awe, gain reverence, to be liked or remembered. The importance of a society approval has become the most important thing to a lot of of us. One good friend, one set of loving parents or a family that cares about you and wants to see you excel, succeed, be better; they’re not enough for us. Maybe it's because we feel like we are just settling, that there's always more to be sought after, always looking for something new and refreshing not realizing you will not find any other people in all the world who love you more.

I think perhaps the definition of love fits inside of the people we so often take for granted. For instance, my 9 year old cousin, who despite all my insecurities and failures, views me flawless. The little boy that just wants to sit with me and hold my hand and be my buddy. My nagging mother, who genuinely just wants to know how my day was, my nana with a million questions, my brother’s phone call I often ignore to avoid annoyance, or in the innocent brown eyes of my Labrador retriever.

I think the best example of love is the love from a child, or from a pet. At the end of the day, they don’t care that you’ve failed a math test, let down a friend, disappointed your mother or made a bad decision. At the end of the day, they don’t care about all of the places you’ve been where you shouldn’t have, or the things you’ve done that you shouldn’t of. At the end of the day, all they want to do is sit on your lap, cuddle up next to the person they so immeasurably adore. All they want to do is be your friend. All they want to do is love you.

So often, all we want is to be loved, pressing so much importance and pressure on ourselves to find that person who will love us until our dying breath. And so often, we forget about the people who already do, let yourself be reminded, let them be enough.

A Dream Achieved.

Forty-six years ago, a black man stood atop the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, publicizing his dream of a future where black and whites would live harmoniously equal, praying for an altered society and proclaiming that day will come.

Four days ago, a black man stood atop those same steps, as the new leader of this mighty United States of America. A black man, standing tall and proud, the man America has chosen as the new leader of the free world. Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream has come true.

On January 20, 2009, a historical amount of countless people gathered in every vacant spot they could in the DC area to listen to or catch a glimpse of the man so many idolize. Barack Obama, he is loved but hated. Personally, I cannot say that I agree with the principles and standards Obama endorses. My morals and beliefs almost completely contradict his polices and opinions. I had chosen months ago, on the night of November 4th actually, when my chosen potential lost the race, that I would take no part in following his campaign, listening about his life or hearing out his plans. However, within the last few weeks I decided that was not going to get me anywhere. I realized that being ignorant about his presidency was not going to dethrone him, and instead chose to listen. This is when I realized just how much this meant for our country, and recognized the symbol he is for so many on an individual level.

Every inauguration is special, we say farewell to a dignified man who has served his country and led his people, and welcome to a new appointed man we hope will do the same. American's celebrate the choice they have made, and trust in the promises their President has assured. This inauguration was just as special, and a bit more historic. Perhaps the tears of older generations are the best representation of what this inauguration meant to so many; the ultimate ending of days on the back of the bus, walking on different sides of the sidewalk, and the allowance of a simple meal at a restaurant or a sip of water from a fountain. The inauguration was a sign of blissful closure from such a time.

Discrimination was that of the past in the 90s era and northern state that I grew up in, so my only knowledge about the days of slavery and segregation are from the pieces I've read in my history books, from the teachings I've heard through lecture, from the movies I have seen, and from the stories I've listened to from past generations who witnessed this firsthand. Undoubtedly so, I know I will never fully understand exactly what so many went through; the torturous days in the sun on the cotton fields, the brutal beatings, the agonizing famish. What a deliverance to recognize these days are over, that the terrible and abominable things that took place so many years ago are through and will never happen again. I think we can all agree that we have come so far since then, as a people, as a nation.

Sometimes though, how far we've come can be remarkably unnerving. The fundamentals and foundation our country was grounded and rooted upon is drastically wavering. We reason the rules are too old or the laws too aged to still be in practice and expected of today. We take out and adjust what we see fit and rationalize right from wrong to meet our current standards, not realizing that slightly altering this little thing here and that little thing there, considerably mutates our core ethics in the long run. We have become a people who would rather trust in a dapper man wearing a suit and tie promising hope and change then to rely on the God who has never disappointed in either of those vows, or in anything for that matter. We would rather ignore the principles and morals our forefathers stood for and demanded when they built this great country. We are convinced America is steadfast and strong but forget that God is the One holding that reign and allowing that power. We disregard that just as God has given us everything, he can leave us with nothing.

Forty-six years ago, if you were to have told Americans that during their lifespan, a black man would become the President, or that prayer would be banned from public schools, or that abortion would be legalized, or that homosexuals would be openly accepted by society and allowed to marry, they would have mocked you and laughed you off. Obviously, America has come a long way, changed a whole lot. In some aspects, this change has made us better, but in others, it's just disappointing and appalling. And it makes me wonder, what will someone be writing about in the year 2055, after another 46 years have gone by? What will come of us by than?

stand up.

"He's got the whole world in His hands." The WHOLE world, imagine that for a minute, my brain can not even grasp or fathom the remarkableness of having a Father who has everything and everyone in His control. As humans, we are almost incapable of understanding just how infinite and remarkable our Savior is.

Since the beginning of time, since the dawn of creation, God has held this world in his hands, His hands have remained palm side up and open, cupping the magnificent world He made, holding us in His perfect, loving, forgiving, hands. As time has passed, and as His people neglect and reject Him, are we sure those same hands will continue to grasp and hold on to a world pushing Him away? Demanding him out of schools and the constitution and some even the pledge to the great and what we'd like to think indestructible America, how much longer will He hold on? At what point will His fingers start to spread apart from each other, His grip loosen, His hands let go for good? And are we scared of when this may be? We should be terrified, desperately fighting to hold onto our God for dear life.

We can see where the Christians of our world stand today. If you can call it standing, I'd refer to it as lying down, maybe even sleeping. Statistics show over 80% of Americans claim to be Christians. If this is true, why are we losing our America? Where are we? Where are the Christians? Are we hiding in the pews of our churches, behind our Bibles, making ourselves blend in with the crowds of people who don't stand for anything? Agreeing and "amen"ing to the preacher on Sunday but meek and opionless in the office on Monday? We are commanded to fight for our beliefs, stand for our God. Why have we become such handicapped Christians? We become blind to what we don't want to see, deaf to what we don't want to hear, dumb to what we don't want to believe, mute because we don't want to speak up. And without putting up a fight, are we the ones to blame for our crippled nation? Because as the lost gain victory and Satans marks another W in his win colomn, our world diminishes. It's time to stand up. It's time to join the battle as we're commanded. And with God as our commander and chief, whom shall we fear?