Change. It's Admirable.

Pinpointing your flaws, focusing on your discrepancies, highlighting your weaknesses, it's one of the hardest things to admit, but an internal conflict we must overcome if we want to initiate change.


Change, it’s a word most of us don't like. There's some power in it that makes us a little weary and puts a little butterfly in our stomachs. We like routines, and although somewhat monotonous, regular schedules that don't vary or, for lack of a better word, change. But, here I am, living out that word, sitting in an office in Midtown Manhattan, a populated city of almost 19 million people, in a city that's constantly transforming but a place where change is not only begged for at almost every street corner, but desired for many. In a place where countless dream to live, I have witnessed many longing for an escape. And then, there's me.


Somehow along this road I've traveled, I've managed to land a job working for an extremely successful company that people would wish to, with doors that have continuously been opened and hopes that have increasingly been met. Some say it's a testimony as to how I've lived my life so far and the decisions that I've made, but I say, it's all God.


I don't give enough credit to where it is due, and when I look around and evaluate my present situation I realize how blessed I am and how selfish it is to continue living my life the way I want to when God, who has given me all of it, demands differently. As my dad constantly reminds me, and as Casting Crowns sing, "it’s a slow fade." You let a little go here, and a little go there, and before you know it, you're at a place in your life you never expected. You've become a person you don't even know. You look around and don't know where you even are. You can't remember what paths you took or what roads you traveled along the way that have you gotten you here, and the trek seems impossible to reverse. This realization is usually where we give up, so we tell ourselves we like the life we're living, we reason with ourselves that we're just like everyone else we know, and we're having fun and we're doing what WE want. All along the way, Satan continues to whisper in our ear, convincing us of just how dirty we are, asking how we really can go back at this point, reminding us what all our friends are doing, and what life is like in this day and age, and how you're still a good person despite a few little sins, and so we believe the whispers, and we believe the excuses that we make for ourselves. We defend who we've become because we refuse to succumb.


It's human nature to fail, failure is an instilled decay forced upon everyone the day sin entered the world. Being perfect is an effortless battle that we all lose, daily. It's easy to fall, what we must remember though, is how easy it is to get back, that although getting there may take a little work, but is just as easy because of this beautiful thing called grace.


Because no matter where we've been, or who we've been, or who we are right now, God's grace is the one thing that hasn't changed. And although we forget it, we ignore it, we reject it - we will never be denied it.

My sister is graduating, yes I am proud, no I'm not happy.

My little sister, or I guess you could say, my now-grown-up sister, is graduating. Which, of course, floods memories back in my head of my high school days. Giving up basketball, saying goodbye to the familiar hallways and classrooms where I spent everyday, hugging my friends as we all took off for college. Crying, and crying some more.

It's hard to believe that my parents are old enough to be grandparents, and that very soon they will only have my little brother, (who I shouldn't technically be allowed to call little anymore seeing as he's now 6'1), living at home. Chandelle graduating is just another reminder at how quickly time flies, and I find myself asking the all too familiar question, as cliche as it is, "where does the time go?" It's like it's rapidly sucked away into some black hole to never be given back. And at the moments I have the chance to stop, breathe, reflect, and realize just where I am in my life, it's too late to go back.

When I was five, I couldn't wait to be six.

When I was six, I couldn't wait to be seven.

Seven, eight.

Eight, nine.

Then at some point, I turned ten, had a thirteenth birthday, become a "teenager" (what an overrated thing that is). The next day I was celebrating a sweet sixteen, yesterday I was eighteen and graduating high school, and today I'm twenty-one. Where does it go?!

But that brings me back to the here and now, my sister, the adorable little girl with springing curls who used to leave bite marks in my skin when she got angry, is graduating. And, I hate it. I hate everything about it.

So, as my family reflects the past eighteen years of my sister's life and all she's accomplished, it brings me on a journey of remembering the eighteen years I've spent with her.

I remember the days we spent in the basement, playing barbies with our most prized matching toy pink convertibles we got for Christmas. I remember the dance shows we used to put on for Mom & Dad. I remember blaring Baby Bob & BJ's "I Love My Sister," from dad's black old massive boom box and acting out all the words in the living room. I remember our crazy obsession with our barbie work out movie. I remember playing soccer in the snow every winter with Dad, Blaine, & Kaylee. I remember walking to the corner store to buy candy whenever we had a dollar. I remember making up songs for our band. I remember walking to Toby's house everyday after school at Barre for mom to pick us up. I remember all our vacations to Louisiana, our ducks and our chickens. I remember when dad coached your soccer team and all the games I watched you play, and dominate, I might add. I remember you and Chantal being attached at the hip. I remember hide and go seek in the dark with Blaine, Matt & Mase. I remember playing Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen with Sarah. I remember moving to Louisiana, and carving our names in all the closets throughout our house on Stewart Street. I remember the plaid skirts you wore in middle school, your freshman year you got to spend with me in the high school wing and the homecoming I convinced you to go to with me. I remember being on the same basketball team, and how awesome it was when we got the opportunity to play together. I remember how hard it was to say goodbye to you when I moved away for college, and now here you are, doing the same thing to Blaine.

Mostly though, I just remember you always being there. It may not always have been pleasant, but it was worth it. It was so, so worth it.

As you graduate, pack up your room, and move out of the house, please remember I've been there, I know how hard it is. I've been through it all already, and I'm always just a phone call away if you need me. I am so proud of you, of all your basketball and softball achievements, your GPA you've worked so hard to maintain, and the beautiful person and sister you've grown up to be. Never let anything hold you back from your dreams, stay true to your faith, stand up for what you believe in, and seek God as your mentor, for He will never let you down.

I love you, Chandelle.

Congratulations.

Class of 2010!

"Have you forgotten?"

Bombs are being detonated all around, bullets are flying by, explosions surround them, they're living in a world most of us only witness in movies or read about in our history books. They shield themselves behind collapsing buildings, run beside one another to barricade themselves from the terrorists who thought they could infringe upon our freedom with no penalty, the terrorists who wanted to instill fear into the everyday lives of the American people, and who succeeded for a time. But, like most things, we have forgot.

We have deleted the images of the planes and the towers and the memorials set up on sidewalks and in fields. We have allowed for authority figures to convince us that this battle we're fighting is for nothing. We have converted our once eager freedom-seeking ideologies to those of the people in power.

Across the ocean and clear across the globe, alarm clocks sound all over the United States. We wake up to the sun shining through the vacant spaces in our blinds, we stretch, take a warm shower and assemble ourselves for the day. We reply to a text message, make plans with a friend for lunch, drive the streets of our hometown, order a coffee. We go about our day without living in terror because our neighbor's son, our co-worker's daughter, our classmate's brother, our old friend from high school, is.

I can't say I'm always thinking about the war or recalling the day we, as a people, were attacked, but I can say that I will never forget it. The reality of the war hit home for me today, it occurred to me again just how real it is when I received a message regarding a friend in the Marines currently on a tour in Afghanistan. The message was not very detailed but still devastating, he had been shot and was being brought to a hospital in Germany, his good friend died beside him in battle. I tried picturing for a minute watching my best friend lifeless beside me with no capability of helping him, I thought about in the Notebook when Noah has no other choice but to leave his fallen comrade and best friend behind to flee to safety, it is a sad image to think about. Although my friend will be okay and live to testify of his bravery, it was a reminder of the immense sacrifices being given every moment we're living so careless over here.

We don't allow the bloodshed of innocent lives and we will come home with the victory no matter how long it takes, and if you want to live on the soil of America you need to stand behind those who are fighting for YOU. You may not be proud of the war, but be proud of your troops, be proud to be a citizen of a nation who stands for justice and will do all it takes to provide the freedom we so take for granted on a daily basis.

We live in America.

We don't accept defeat.

We won't accept defeat.

Thank you to those who risk their lives for ME everyday. You are in my prayers.

The weak can never forgive, forgiveness is an attribute of the strong." -Gandhi

"You can't save everyone Chalaine." The words of a former professor float around in my head,  the phrase gets lost in my memory but finds its way back up to my recognition long enough to taunt me. I know that I do not acknowledge the only reason I was put on this earth anywhere near as often as I should. God has called us to be His people, to tell of His mercy, to share of His love. We don't only fulfill the great commission by witnessing and telling people about Him, we do so by living our lives in such a way that Jesus lived His. Compassionate, selfless, humble, welcoming, forgiving. 

forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive.

would someone please tell God that I got the message? 

Sometimes I hate night time, I can never go to bed. The noises pollute the air and distract my every brain cell from falling asleep. I close my laptop, I turn the TV off, I put my ipod on my nightstand, and then the silence kicks in and starts haunting me. My brain wonders and life doesn't let me go to sleep. It's often the moments right before I go to sleep that I have the deepest most impacting conversations with God. God puts words in my head, words like...forgive. ......forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. Chalaine, I forgave you, how dare you not forgive others? Luke 6 commands us to love our enemies, to bless those who curse us, and explains that by forgiving, we ourselves will find forgiveness.  

Maybe resentment isn't what is vacating inside your soul, perhaps forgiveness is not the release that will set your buried soul free. We all have secrets, we all have something we need to let go off. Our soul is the most vital part of our entirety, blotted with bitterness and regret, love and mercy can no longer reign and we no longer are a soul serving Jesus but become a soul serving ourselves. Once we have unclogged our dirty insides from whatever may be taunting us and let God's love shine through us, we will be an unstoppable force for His kingdom.  

I now realize that it wasn't a statement, more or less a challenge.  

"You cant save everyone Chalaine." 

...Well watch me try.

a glimpse of heaven

You know when you are at a service and you realize God has perfectly placed you there? Like every word the preacher is saying was made for you to hear, as if God is speaking directly to you personally about a struggle or a certain aspect in your life that you may have needed guidance on or aid in. Or, when the preacher says something that digs down right to the core of your soul, or answers a question you've been seeking. Well tonight God did this for me through music. 

I've been reading a book about the single girl's heart, a book about pursuing God first, with nothing and no one else even at a close second. In pursuing God with reckless abandonment, everything else will fall in place based on God's perfect plan for our lives. This book, along with God's word and fervent prayer, help me find a love in God no guy can ever satisfy. A love that never ends and never fails. 

Not that I have been "looking" or "searching" for love, but with 7 weddings coming up this year (all of girlfriends of mine who are my age!) God just seems to be spitting out relationships and love stories from some dispenser I forgot to put a quarter in. I know I am only 20 but sometimes 20 can be kind of lonely and from time to time the thought does cross my mind that it would be nice to have the affection of a boyfriend and the conscious that someone cares about me and has my best interest at heart. Okay, so anyways...now that my mom has probably thrown up, let's move on... 

I found out recently about a concert of Mercy Me, Jeremy Camp and a few other bands playing a worship tour in Dallas so I invited a friend and we drove up tonight to attend. It was incredible. GOD SHOWED UP. You cannot tell me that God isn't real, because tonight I felt him, along with 20 other THOUSAND people packed and stuffed inside every available space at the American Airlines Center in Dallas (home court of the NBA's Dallas Mavericks who would be stunned to have a sold out arena filled up with their fans). I was taken back, along with every member of the bands, at the amount of people who showed up and even at the 3,000 who had to be turned away for lack of space. There wasn't a chair empty in the place, the stairs were converted to seats along with the aisles filling up where people stood throughout the entire 3 hour concert to worship their Creator. Incredible. Absolutely heart wrenching, soul moving, incredible. 

One band I've never heard of until tonight, Tenth Avenue North, sang a song they told us to imagine God singing to us. As the piano played I closed my eyes...

Why are you strivin'

these days

Why are you tryin'

to earn grace

Why are you cryin'

Let Me lift up your face

Just don't turn away.

Why are you lookin'

for love?

Why are you still searchin'

As if I'm not enough

To Where will you go child?

Tell Me where will you run?

To where will you run?

Cause I'll be by your side whenever you fall.

In the dead of night, whenever you call.

Please don't fight these hands that are holding you.

My hands are holding you.

Why are you looking for love? Why are you searching as if I'm not enough. The words replayed over and over in my head as I grasped God's voice speaking to my heart. And I sit here even now with tears streaming down my face in awe of our great God whom I serve. How astounding a Father I have to give me grace, to lift up my face from my brokenness and crying, to ask me not to turn away, but to remind me rest assured He's always by my side regardless. 

Mercy Me ended the concert starting us off in an a cappella verse of I love You Lord. Together, all 20,000 of us sang, "Take joy my king, in what You hear, may it be a sweet sweet sound in Your ear." It was beautiful. 

And even at the end, when the concert was through, God wasn't. He still wanted to touch our hearts just once more before we left that anointed place. When all the singers left the stage, the worship wasn't over because everyone leaving their seats started singing blessed be the name of the lord as we exited. As sections left their seats and left the arena, we all sang "Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name." As we continued through the concourse, "Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name." Our voices echoed down the staircase "every blessing you pour out, i'll turn back to praise," and other's into the elevators and down the escalators, "when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say.."all of us, as a whole, just singing the words together, "BLESSED be the name of Lord, Blessed be Your name!" it was definitely one of the most incredible things I've ever witnessed and especially been apart of, it was like I was in a musical, except it was real life. 

I think I witnessed a glimpse of Heaven tonight, or how it's going to be at least. 

I can't wait. 

Hope to see you there.

-C

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KUezLF11RA 

randomness & understanding.

Sometimes, I find myself awestruck at the unfathomable workings of God, where my only response is to smile, dumbfounded at the likes of my minuscule human brain compared with that of an omnipotent Savior's. These past few days, I've experienced numerous recurring instances of the realization of my Savior's ingenuity. 

Tonight, I felt this through worship. If you have never felt the power and presence of God through worship, you have missed out big time. When I am there and singing to my Jesus and the words just hit me, and I take in just exactly what I am singing and proclaiming - each word fills up my heart as I cry out. I close my eyes to stop the tears from collecting but they become too heavy, dropping down my face and clustering on my cheek and I taste the wet tears as they reach my lips. Standing and singing no matter how you may sound and not caring what anyone around you is thinking. Sniffling and choking on my words as I cry out, humbled in the presence of a perfect Savior whom owns my soul. I don't think there is any greater time when your heart is so at peace and any greater moment that you are connected to God then through times like these.

Over the last few nights, I've felt this in a different way. I have grown tired of my current devotional book and decided to just close my eyes and open my Bible to a random place, then read whichever chapters and few pages happen to fall open. And God, in His genius, decided to lead me to scriptures preparing my heart for the weekend I was spending at a faith strengthening and soul challenging conference I'm attending with my mother.

The other night I found myself reading the book of Ruth. Although I was sort of familiar with her story and her extreme loyalty to her mother in law, Naomi, I do not think I ever really grasped her extreme loyalty to God. It hit me as I was reading that her devotion to Naomi was a result of her devotion to God. Ruth made me realize the significance of  God fearing Christian friends. Friends who will be there to keep you accountable, to kick you in the butt when you need it, to question your logic, to test your weak areas, to shine some light when everything around you seems dark. Friends who will pick us up when we've fallen, to hug us when were broken, but mostly to love us when we fail. We need Christian friends to remind us that we are not alone, we are never ever alone, and that as long as we are breathing - change is attainable. It's like the interpretation of Christ's love given to us through the heart of a friend. The book of Ruth is the ideal illustration of a remarkable friendship, right up there with David and Jonathan. 

The next night I flipped open my Bible and Proverbs 31 stared back at me. As I was reading I was smiling just at the thought of how God works. I think every women should read Proverbs 31:10-31, and then strive to become the women being described in this passage. I can only pray and hope that God will make me and mold me into the "wife of noble character" defined in this passage of scripture. You can spend an entire lifetime trying with all you have to become a certain someone, but without the aid of God you will always come up short. 

One time while I was babysitting, the little boy I was watching wanted to climb up on tree in his backyard. He jumped and swung his arms trying to catch the lowest branch to begin his climb and with each jump he "ooed" and "ughed" a little more, failing to reach the branch by just mere inches. I rolled my eyes watching from a distance after being ordered he could "do it all by himself." His eyebrows lowered and his lips stuck out as he tried to get a running start and then reach the branch, resulting in him falling on his butt.  I laughed to myself as I watched him try with all his might to conquer this feat he set out for himself. After finally realizing he was not going to be able to reach it on his own, he reluctantly asked me to lift him up, and I gladly picked him up with almost no effort and he quickly started climbing and was in the tree smiling and yelling, "I AM TARZANNN, KING OF THE JUNGLE!" in no time. I think so often this is exactly how God sees us. He watches as we try and try with everything inside ourselves to get what we want or become who we want to be, laughing at us as we continuously fail, still not welcoming his offered help. Then, when we finally give in and ask God for his help, He never ignores us, even despite how many times we have to Him. God always comes through in the end, always leaving a sorry sinner satisfied.  

Last night for some reason I just found myself flipping through the pages of my Bible reading different random chapters and verses. Which reminds me...can I just say the last few pages of Bibles inspire me - haha they are so intriguing! You can look up almost any sin and it will give you a listing of pieces of scripture that talk about that specific sin! It is so cool. I couldn't even go to sleep last night because the Bible was interesting me so much and I could not make myself stop reading... anyway, I think everyone needs to read Romans 8, because it's amazing and refreshing and..... well just read it! Take 3 minutes & 9 seconds out of your day today to read that chapter, just kidding - I have no idea how long it will take you but it's not very long & I do promise it'll be worth it! 

One Love, One God & Only One Way.

-C

PS. I know this post is way different then my previous posts & the way I've shared on here in the past, but I wanted to try something new - let me know if it's acceptable! lol

Last year at this time, I sat in a tiny dorm nestled within the freezing remote Monadnock Mountains at a tiny almost unheard of, Franklin Pierce University. Everyday I would question my reasoning for choosing a school deliberately placed in the middle of no where New Hampshire. The one blinking light towns where everyone knew everyone and going to Walmart was the highlight of your day that I had only heard of in movies or passed through while vacationing was now my life, and I had to get away from it.

My faith has always been the most important part of my life, my reason for living. I am a living breathing example of a life touched by God and even though I fail him everyday, He still loves me. I cannot say I have never been afraid, but I can tell you I have never been ashamed of sharing my Jesus with the world. Having such confidence and belief in such an omnipotent God made me courageous with my strength in sharing about Him. My first challenge was with my roommates, whom quickly recognized I did not use profane language or speak crudely and would often apologize when they themselves did around me. My next challenge were my classmates, which in most cases unless debatable discussion is brought up that I disagree with, I remain pretty silent. But in one of my classes, I was able to witness through a special project my writing teacher assigned. Every student had to partner up with someone they didn't know and interview one another. I was assigned with a girl named Allie. After asking me a few questions, I began talking about my beliefs and the importance God has played in my life. She dug deeper and asked more specific questions, seeming intrigued and open to listen. I was happy to share and humbled of the way it went. The next class, my professor came to me asking if it was okay if she used Allie's paper about me as an example to the class. She noted that very personal aspects of my life were mentioned in the paper, such as choosing to stay celibate until marriage and not seeking out the party life. My class had two options, reject or accept me, the same two options the world has of my Jesus. I allowed for the reading of the paper and with every word my professor read, I thought about Him - in excruciating pain nailed upon a cross, barely breathing but still thinking about me. Who cares what my classmates think of me, I tried telling myself. At the end of the reading, I would still be breathing, at the end of class I would stand up and walk back to my dorm, my life would go on completely normal, who cares if 30 kids in my English class thought I was weird, God didn't. It was a gratifying moment to share such personal and what I feel respectable information with a class full of strangers, putting myself out there for judgment. These are how the first few weeks and couple of months of school went for me.

However, around November, I had had just about enough of it. Everything that could have been going wrong, was - and I did not know how to handle it. My school's partying reputation lead for mere disappointment to me because staying in my dorm room every night watching movies was a difficult way to make friends. On weekends, I drove the almost 2 hour drive to Massachusetts to spend with my cousins. After a huge falling out with a good friend and feeling nothing but alone, I had decided I had taken all I could in the north and pleaded with my parents to move immediately. My dad coerced me into finishing out the semester and I started planning out my transfer to anywhere but New England. After some mishaps, I had realized transferring in the middle of the year was not going to work, so I returned to Franklin Pierce with the slightest hope of a better semester.

In a Bible conference once, the speaker gave us the analogy of a person trying to bring someone else up to their standards. She stood on a chair and held the hand of a guy she tried to lift up to her level, and then spoke of how hard it was to do. The guy then tugged at her hand and she quickly fell from the chair and onto his level. She explained how easy it was for him to pull her down to where he was then for her to pick him up. This is the same way people are, we try and try to be good examples and maintain our morals, sometimes fixating ourselves on trying to lead others in the right direction. This is a very hard task to achieve I realized firsthand. Weeks into my spring semester, I realized the strong morals and person I had so challengingly demanded and expected of myself to be all my life, was weakening. Examining my life and feeling myself being pressured and persuaded I knew this school was not for me. I decided wherever I was going to school next would be Christian, first and foremost.

It's January and I am now at Baylor University, a Baptist college right smack dab in the heart of Texas. I no longer have to listen everyday to the liberal and distressing views of professors I disagree with or deal with fire alarms going off every other night from the drunk immature kids who thought it funny to pull them. I am in a place God has seen fit for me, and though my fall semester was a bit trying, I love it here. Getting back on track with God is the most rewarding and satisfying feeling. He never ceases to amaze and astound me, and on more accounts then one, leave me speechless. Never say God doesn't answer prayer, and if you're needing some reassurance He's listening, take it from me, He is. He always, always is. I know because God has answered my prayer. Some of the most important people in my life are moving from Massachusetts to the south. My 4 cousins whom I adore and treasure, my aunt who I am extremely close to, and my very best friend. I can't think of anything else I need or anything else to say but that...

God is good, all the time.